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Self-harming.
I've been there. On the spur of the moment, you just need a way to vent all your pain and frustration. You can't help it, it feels like your body's taking control over you. You don't feel like talking to anyone, even though you might have already been flooded by 10 over "are you okay?" or "what happened?!" on your cell... Worse? None at all...
For that split second, the only thing that comes to your mind is to hurt yourself. You can't care less about anything else; the circumstances or whatsoever... all you could think of is to do whatever it takes to ease the pain. Even if it's temporary.
You feel like those little slashes that are about to go on your wrist or any other parts of your body, or doing anything to torture yourself would be nothing compared to the agony you're already suffering from mentally.
Suicidal thoughts? I can't empathise more. Perhaps hurting yourself isn't the best solution to solve whatever you're dealing with; you've been struggling over the past few seconds, hoping to find at least one reason to live on... But you just can't.
The pain that penetrates through your skin doesn't hurt at all. You wish to sleep forever. You've come to a realisation how much reality sucks, and to experience darkness by ending your life seems like a better way than to have to continue living in this inhumane society.
It might not be the end of the world, but it feels like it, in "your world."
Disclaimer: I'm not writing this based on how I think these people who self-harm might feel, I'm writing it based on my personal experience.
I've never thought I'd be writing a post like this, because I never wanted to rake up my past. I'm not proud of it, neither have I ever had the courage to talk in depth about it.
I know most of you think that half, or all my posts are just total bull; like I don't even understand what you've been through and I shouldn't act like I actually do.
But you're utterly wrong, cos I've never been more honest than this. Every single line and word, I write them with utmost genuineness in reflection to how I truly feel.
I don't make them up, and pretend to feel what I don't... I don't really care if a handful of you are already doubting me since the beginning of this post, but this is what I've to share.
I'm aware of how people can fabricate stories about their lives, but think about it... I don't gain much from forking out time just to share something like this. Sometimes, I still have to suffer from a backlash because of how certain posts don't connect to particular groups of people.
.
.
.
I don't remember having any friends who are more emotional than I was in sec school. I'd probably top the charts in all the classes I was in, if they actually recorded the number of times each student cried annually.
I didn't just cry because I was bored, or because I'm a "cry baby." I just had a lot of bad experiences over the years.
And when I say "bad," I don't mean that a natural disaster had fallen upon our country during those times nor some real big crisis, it's just personal issues.
I wouldn't dare claim they were issues that mostly concerned life-and-death, but I'm pretty sure those were things not everyone at that age, had to deal with.
I know some may say that these personal problems are really trivial compared to how people of other countries have to scrape through their daily lives, because of all the catastrophes escalating over the years in their homeland.
I'm aware that all the friendship and BGR problems, failing a test, losing sleep... Is just part and parcel of every human's life.
Some of you think that people like me should just stfu, because our minor issues are nothing.
My question to you is, what if something minor to you, isn't minor in someone else's eyes?
And even if you've experienced what they are going through, I still don't think you're entitled to judge on their behalf, whether or not something's important.
Because the fact is, you're NOT them. To you, it might be insignificant... To someone else, it might mean the world. You might be strong, but it's not their fault for being vulnerable.
Yeah, we have the right to speak our mind, but it isn't right to assume how others feel just because you think you're right. Point made. Moving on.
It might come as a shock to some of you, but I've actually self-harmed before, back when I was around the age of 11 to early 15. Slashing my wrist wasn't something I thought was cool even though people at that time, might have felt like it was. It was my way of expressing my unhappiness.
It's nothing extremely serious, but I was really overwhelmed with problems at that point.
But as time passes, what's left behind are only scars - All the mental wounds have healed, but there's nothing I can do about these ugly scars.
Thankfully, they weren't that deep nor huge, otherwise they'd be pretty noticeable taking into consideration the number of times I did that.
But what about those of you who actually hurt yourself far worse than I did?
And don't forget, you're not only scarring yourself, but you're also scarring people who actually do care about you.
My parents, my friends, even teachers and counsellors were involved - So after all I wouldn't claim to be the most miserable person on earth because I know I'm still considered fortunate to have people around who care for me. Especially my parents. And never have I felt more thankful that they were around.
I know some of you think that no one cares, or that people shouldn't care cos it's your body. But think about your parents who brought you to this world, your flesh belongs to them.
And I'm really sorry for those of you whose parents are no longer around, or are around, but couldn't be bothered.
I just want you to know that, you've me. I care. Even if no one does, I do. I know it sounds ridiculous, cos I might not even know you... But if I had a chance to get to know any of you who face this problem, I certainly would.
& I wish I could.
I'm not trying to sound magnanimous here, I just sincerely wish I had the ability to stop people from hurting themselves just because they feel like no one could comprehend their pain. And please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say that I know it all, and that I understand exactly how all these people feel.
I'm just saying that there are definitely way more alternatives besides hurting yourself when you want to vent your anger.
Personally, I do boxing, and whenever I'm mad... The punching bag becomes my best friend. Another way? I rant by writing all my thoughts down - be it whether I type or write it. These two are my favourite ways to cool myself down.
There are so many ways! Screaming against the pillow, listening to your favourite music (not those emo and suicidal ones of course), going out for a walk, talking to someone if you're comfortable with it, eating... I could easily list a hundred ways here, but at the end of the day... It's still your call.
There are probably three kinds of people reading this post now.
1) Victims who found this useful.
2) Victims who think that this post doesn't help them in any way at all.
3) People who think that I'm writing a bunch of nonsense.
I'm gonna ignore the third one and say - I'm just here, trying to help those of you who wish to listen. If you don't help yourself, no one could.
Nothing's unresolvable, despite whatever the situation is. I can't promise there will always be an easy way out, but I can promise it will all get better in time.
If it makes you feel better, even natural disasters subside eventually.
Knowing how some of you actually do nasty things to yourself just breaks my heart. Making a decision on impulse could easily cause a lifetime of regret.
I'm not writing this post to discriminate any of you, or to reopen old wounds. I definitely wish that isn't the case.
Words have the ability to save someone, and they have the ability to kill someone too.
Why can't we be a little kinder or compassionate sometimes? All these self-harming wouldn't have happened if we were to be a little more selfless.
We are all human at the end of the day, we all have feelings.
Hating, hurting them physically/mentally, yet calling them attention-seekers when you're actually the one driving them to the brink.
Think about it. Is that fair?
And at the end of the day, like I said before, we all love attention. It's just that everyone has a different approach on how they attain it.
We all want attention at some point of our lives, it's just the things you do to get it that matters.
I know how some people can be such an eyesore, but you can always keep those comments to yourself or your circle of friends even if you wish to say something. There's no need to hurt them directly.
Hate less. Love more. You might save a life.
Labels: Rants, Self-harming, Teenagers, Tips N Guides, Views
Self-harming.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013 | 6:30 AM | 0comments
I've been there. On the spur of the moment, you just need a way to vent all your pain and frustration. You can't help it, it feels like your body's taking control over you. You don't feel like talking to anyone, even though you might have already been flooded by 10 over "are you okay?" or "what happened?!" on your cell... Worse? None at all...
For that split second, the only thing that comes to your mind is to hurt yourself. You can't care less about anything else; the circumstances or whatsoever... all you could think of is to do whatever it takes to ease the pain. Even if it's temporary.
You feel like those little slashes that are about to go on your wrist or any other parts of your body, or doing anything to torture yourself would be nothing compared to the agony you're already suffering from mentally.
Suicidal thoughts? I can't empathise more. Perhaps hurting yourself isn't the best solution to solve whatever you're dealing with; you've been struggling over the past few seconds, hoping to find at least one reason to live on... But you just can't.
The pain that penetrates through your skin doesn't hurt at all. You wish to sleep forever. You've come to a realisation how much reality sucks, and to experience darkness by ending your life seems like a better way than to have to continue living in this inhumane society.
It might not be the end of the world, but it feels like it, in "your world."
Disclaimer: I'm not writing this based on how I think these people who self-harm might feel, I'm writing it based on my personal experience.
I've never thought I'd be writing a post like this, because I never wanted to rake up my past. I'm not proud of it, neither have I ever had the courage to talk in depth about it.
I know most of you think that half, or all my posts are just total bull; like I don't even understand what you've been through and I shouldn't act like I actually do.
But you're utterly wrong, cos I've never been more honest than this. Every single line and word, I write them with utmost genuineness in reflection to how I truly feel.
I don't make them up, and pretend to feel what I don't... I don't really care if a handful of you are already doubting me since the beginning of this post, but this is what I've to share.
I'm aware of how people can fabricate stories about their lives, but think about it... I don't gain much from forking out time just to share something like this. Sometimes, I still have to suffer from a backlash because of how certain posts don't connect to particular groups of people.
.
.
.
I don't remember having any friends who are more emotional than I was in sec school. I'd probably top the charts in all the classes I was in, if they actually recorded the number of times each student cried annually.
I didn't just cry because I was bored, or because I'm a "cry baby." I just had a lot of bad experiences over the years.
And when I say "bad," I don't mean that a natural disaster had fallen upon our country during those times nor some real big crisis, it's just personal issues.
I wouldn't dare claim they were issues that mostly concerned life-and-death, but I'm pretty sure those were things not everyone at that age, had to deal with.
I know some may say that these personal problems are really trivial compared to how people of other countries have to scrape through their daily lives, because of all the catastrophes escalating over the years in their homeland.
I'm aware that all the friendship and BGR problems, failing a test, losing sleep... Is just part and parcel of every human's life.
Some of you think that people like me should just stfu, because our minor issues are nothing.
My question to you is, what if something minor to you, isn't minor in someone else's eyes?
And even if you've experienced what they are going through, I still don't think you're entitled to judge on their behalf, whether or not something's important.
Because the fact is, you're NOT them. To you, it might be insignificant... To someone else, it might mean the world. You might be strong, but it's not their fault for being vulnerable.
Yeah, we have the right to speak our mind, but it isn't right to assume how others feel just because you think you're right. Point made. Moving on.
It might come as a shock to some of you, but I've actually self-harmed before, back when I was around the age of 11 to early 15. Slashing my wrist wasn't something I thought was cool even though people at that time, might have felt like it was. It was my way of expressing my unhappiness.
It's nothing extremely serious, but I was really overwhelmed with problems at that point.
But as time passes, what's left behind are only scars - All the mental wounds have healed, but there's nothing I can do about these ugly scars.
Thankfully, they weren't that deep nor huge, otherwise they'd be pretty noticeable taking into consideration the number of times I did that.
But what about those of you who actually hurt yourself far worse than I did?
And don't forget, you're not only scarring yourself, but you're also scarring people who actually do care about you.
My parents, my friends, even teachers and counsellors were involved - So after all I wouldn't claim to be the most miserable person on earth because I know I'm still considered fortunate to have people around who care for me. Especially my parents. And never have I felt more thankful that they were around.
I know some of you think that no one cares, or that people shouldn't care cos it's your body. But think about your parents who brought you to this world, your flesh belongs to them.
And I'm really sorry for those of you whose parents are no longer around, or are around, but couldn't be bothered.
I just want you to know that, you've me. I care. Even if no one does, I do. I know it sounds ridiculous, cos I might not even know you... But if I had a chance to get to know any of you who face this problem, I certainly would.
& I wish I could.
I'm not trying to sound magnanimous here, I just sincerely wish I had the ability to stop people from hurting themselves just because they feel like no one could comprehend their pain. And please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say that I know it all, and that I understand exactly how all these people feel.
I'm just saying that there are definitely way more alternatives besides hurting yourself when you want to vent your anger.
Personally, I do boxing, and whenever I'm mad... The punching bag becomes my best friend. Another way? I rant by writing all my thoughts down - be it whether I type or write it. These two are my favourite ways to cool myself down.
There are so many ways! Screaming against the pillow, listening to your favourite music (not those emo and suicidal ones of course), going out for a walk, talking to someone if you're comfortable with it, eating... I could easily list a hundred ways here, but at the end of the day... It's still your call.
There are probably three kinds of people reading this post now.
1) Victims who found this useful.
2) Victims who think that this post doesn't help them in any way at all.
3) People who think that I'm writing a bunch of nonsense.
I'm gonna ignore the third one and say - I'm just here, trying to help those of you who wish to listen. If you don't help yourself, no one could.
Nothing's unresolvable, despite whatever the situation is. I can't promise there will always be an easy way out, but I can promise it will all get better in time.
If it makes you feel better, even natural disasters subside eventually.
Knowing how some of you actually do nasty things to yourself just breaks my heart. Making a decision on impulse could easily cause a lifetime of regret.
I'm not writing this post to discriminate any of you, or to reopen old wounds. I definitely wish that isn't the case.
Words have the ability to save someone, and they have the ability to kill someone too.
Why can't we be a little kinder or compassionate sometimes? All these self-harming wouldn't have happened if we were to be a little more selfless.
We are all human at the end of the day, we all have feelings.
Hating, hurting them physically/mentally, yet calling them attention-seekers when you're actually the one driving them to the brink.
Think about it. Is that fair?
And at the end of the day, like I said before, we all love attention. It's just that everyone has a different approach on how they attain it.
We all want attention at some point of our lives, it's just the things you do to get it that matters.
I know how some people can be such an eyesore, but you can always keep those comments to yourself or your circle of friends even if you wish to say something. There's no need to hurt them directly.
Hate less. Love more. You might save a life.
Labels: Rants, Self-harming, Teenagers, Tips N Guides, Views
ABOUT ME
Hey there! I share about anything and everything here. You can choose to leave, but I think you should get to know me a little more before you pass your judgement. Check out my FAQ section if it helps.
Who are you?
I'm Naomi, better known as Naomi Neo, and I'm born on the 25th of January 1996. I don't have any siblings, but I'm grateful to have the best parents in the world, who love me unconditionally, and a best friend Trixy who's been there for me for the past 5 years. Currently titled as the youngest "Celebrity Blogger" under my management, Gushcloud - With approximately 124k likes & followers on my Facebook profile and page, 80k followers on twitter and 116k on Instagram currently.
What are you known for?
Honestly, I've no idea what am I known for in majority's eyes, but here's what I presume and hope to be recognised for - I've been writing on all my social platforms since 2009, and got kind of known from writing my thoughts and views on Facebook. My first blog post that went viral was an entry dedicated to my good friend back then, titled "Mothers," in late 2010. Noticing the positive results, I decided to take blogging a little more seriously in 2011. Since then, I've been told that my posts were relatable and inspiring to many, which hence, got me to where I am today.
How well to do is your family? You seem rather spoilt.
I think I'm just average and if you think I'm wealthy rich and spoilt, you're so wrong. I mean yes, my parents do pamper me cos I'm the only child, but I've never taken their money since 2013. And I pay for all my clothes, accessories, make up and 90% of my daily necessities from the money I earn.
What are your stats?
I'm a UK 4 or 6, I've been stuck between 38kg - 40kg. Since I've never really talked about my height, you can deduce I'm exceptionally short and I'm not proud of it - So if you know it, good for you. If you don't, too bad I'm not revealing it. :p
Are you single?
Yes I am. My last relationship was in 2013, and I'm not seeing anyone at the moment.
Do you photoshop your pictures?
No, I don't. Cos I honestly have no idea how to use that crazily complexed software. Ok, it's not very complicated I suppose. I'm just god damn lazy. I only use it to design my texts etc. However, I've been using PicMonkey to edit my pictures. Yeah I know, the main question's still back to whether I "beautify" myself or not. Er, I've no idea what's up with people constantly harping on this issue. The last time I claimed that I don't, was probably in 2012 (which I really didn't back then) But along the way, I figured it was necessary to "upgrade" myself and learn how to. If I can't do plastic surgery, at least make my pictures look chio what. If you know how to, question is, WHY NOT? And, don't you guys wanna see nice pictures too?!?! However I'd like to emphasise that - I do not beautify myself in all my pictures. I only do so when I feel the need to. And 3/4 of the time, I only make adjustments to my gigantic, elephant legs WHICH I admit, I'm very insecure about. So don't tell me my legs are damn nice la, cos some pictures are deceiving. Anyway, I've tons of videos everywhere... Judge for yourself?
Did you have any plastic surgery done?
No I didn't. Firstly, I could not afford to. Secondly, even if I do have the money, my parents are definitely not open to the idea. Thirdly, if I have the money and my parents' consent... OH PLEASE, I would have made myself look a zillion times better than how I am now. So some of you may ask, why is it that I have parallel eyelids. I've mentioned this before, but since some of you are too lazy to find out the truth - Fyi, I am born with double eyelids to begin with, I just wanted to have parallel instead of tapered eyelids. And in case you're really sensitive about it, I'm not saying tapered's not nice... It's just personal preference. In case you don't know what I'm talking about...
So yeah, I tried using eyelid tapes for about 6 months in 2011, and miraculously, have permanent parallel lids since then. I think I'm really lucky. Why do I say so? Cos it doesn't work for everyone.
Don't you think it's better to be natural?
Unfortunately, not everyone's blessed with natural beauty. And even though I've never claimed to be ugly, I've never claimed to be pretty by nature either. I won't deny I've been rather extravagant when it comes to the amount of money I spend on things to beautify my physical appearance, cos sadly, it is important to look good in this society today. You can read more on my views about physical appearance (here). And I don't see anything wrong with wanting to look good or better. Everybody wants to. If you tell me you value natural beauty, I'm cool with it, but if you tell me about your self-righteous logic on how it's wrong to enhance your appearance... Fuck you, go marry a plant since you like it natural.
Don't you think it's better to be natural?
Unfortunately, not everyone's blessed with natural beauty. And even though I've never claimed to be ugly, I've never claimed to be pretty by nature either. I won't deny I've been rather extravagant when it comes to the amount of money I spend on things to beautify my physical appearance, cos sadly, it is important to look good in this society today. You can read more on my views about physical appearance (here). And I don't see anything wrong with wanting to look good or better. Everybody wants to. If you tell me you value natural beauty, I'm cool with it, but if you tell me about your self-righteous logic on how it's wrong to enhance your appearance... Fuck you, go marry a plant since you like it natural.
Are you insecure about your looks?
Yes I am, to a certain extent. I believe you would too, if you have a hundred people reminding you about your flaws every single day. But the thing is, I love myself. So I've accepted that's it's fine not to be perfect.
Do you think you're attention seeking?
Most ridiculous question ever. My question to you is, are you not? This is probably my millionth time saying this, but I think everyone seeks for attention. The only thing that differentiates each of us would be the miles we would travel for it. From a level of - I want attention to Kim Kardashian, it's just a matter of fact how much you want it. And I see absolutely nothing wrong with it unless you're doing something despicable, and harming someone to your own benefits. Besides, no matter how much I love it - It may sound ironic, but I hate unnecessary attention. I only like it when it's for something I worked hard to gain. If you know me well enough, I'm not the kind who would go nude just to get myself to where I want. (Just an example)
How do you deal with your haters?
I've been receiving nasty comments since the day I had a blog, in 2007. I've seen the worst, and it came to a point where it amuses me, because I actually get to find out things I didn't know about myself. I used to care so much, I would cry myself to bed on most nights and I even had issues stepping out of my house at a period of time. However, it took me years to realise how stupid it is to reciprocate to what people who don't me have to say, especially stories/rumours they fabricate. I'm fine with constructive criticisms because I've learnt to take it the positive way - Helping me to improve and get better. Of course it still pisses me off at times when I see untrue stuff about me circulated around by my haters, and I'd either ignore it (if it's nothing too serious) or address it, in other words, stand up for myself (if I find a need to.) And when I ignore it, I don't look at it in a way where I'm a coward or I admit to it - I just find it a waste of time to acknowledge the existence of these people, when most of them are just dying to get my response from their juvenile remarks. Yet when I retaliate, (which I rarely do these days) I only do so when something's getting out of hand. Like if it's tarnishing my reputation or sort. After all, I'm a girl. And I wouldn't "just ignore it" if it affects my name. If I don't stand up for myself, who would? Then again, I don't think that means I care about my haters - I just care about myself enough to want to shut your mouth. Besides, I can stop 1, 2 or 3 people from talking about me, but how many times can I do so? Fact is, you can't please everyone. So it's either you focus on what you have, or waste your life by dwelling on what you don't. And for those friends who decided to leave and hate me for what others have to say? Here's a big... THANK YOU. Haha, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have realised who my real friends were.
Do you think you deserve what you have now?
Honestly, I've always felt that I don't in a way, cos of how affected I used to be about what people have to say - "There are better looking people out there," "You are not good enough!" etc. However, I've came to a realisation that it's impossible to be the best. Cos there will always be someone better, no matter how good you think you are. And as long as I think I've done my best, I don't see why I don't deserve to be where I am today. I've worked so hard for the things I have, and it's not like everything I have is an overnight success. So too bad if you beg to differ and think that a) I'm only here due to my looks, which I think is completely senseless, cos if it was just about my looks, I wouldn't have been around after so long - Taking into consideration, the ever-rising number of good-looking people there are today. b) it's bcos of what I write, cos I definitely won't claim to be the best writer. Somehow it's still a mystery to me why people still read my blog until today. c) and it's probably cos you don't know me well enough. I definitely agree that someone out there deserves this so much more than I do, but I guess it's true that life's unfair, and I'm sorry I have no control over it.
Fan mails, personal questions, or need an advice?
Contact me at asknaomineo@gmail.com
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