Confessions of a teen.
Sunday, August 21, 2011 | 4:58 AM | 2 comments
I'm That Bitch;
Tired of getting ditched.
It's just another lesson learnt.
I'm tired. Tired of drama. Tired of fake friends. Tired of being hated. Tired of rumours. Tired of love. Tired of everything that fucks me up so badly and it's starting to turn really dreadful. Apparently, it seems like I'm just tired of life.
In life, everyone come and go. NO ONE is ever gonna stay with you, forever. In fact, the word "forever" doesn't exist in my dictionary anymore. I used to think that there was such a thing as eternity, not anymore, after being let down by this crap promise time and again.
Most people's life (which includes mine), are treated like a hotel. People gets attracted to you, stayed a little while, create memories.... Soon, they get bored and... BAM!* leaving you to clean up all the mess ALONE. And yea, this damn cycle just repeats itself all the time. Fucked up ain't it.
I'm like any other teenager. I felt inferior, felt left out, felt that nobody cared, felt hurt, felt like ending my life before. It's life.
Today I'm gonna share with you guys about my life story since the age of 13th. Pretty much like a confession time actually. *Roll the drums* Yea, I've an atrocious, umpteen amount of people that has so many queries about my life and requests to blog about it. Aight, Ima suck your mind dry today with this explosive post, suckers. *boom boom boom*
I had my first official relationship two years back in January. Everything is still kinda fresh in my mind. I mean like, WHO THE HELL doesn't remember their first date, RIGHT?! It was approximately 2 weeks long or short... Ya la, pathetic much. And it took me some time to stand up from that fall... Cos after it ended, it came to my knowledge that I was actually cheated on the whole time... That guy already had a girlfriend before he was with me. Damn.
About 2 months later, I found a guy I loved the most throughout my entire 15 years of living. And I swear my life off and cross my heart, I used up every single tiny atom in my body to shower love to that dude. But I guess I'm fated to face failures in relationships...
Some of you might have read my entries back then, I was two timed like again... "This girl's born as a tragedy." LOL. Yea, the second time round traumatized me so OMG-ly, it really caused a huge impact in my life cos *AHEM* that girl happened to be my closest friend at that point of time. Besides that, he really hurt me like a g6 regarding other stuff. Hahaha, I must say I might have been an unreasonable girlfriend back then, and until today sensitivity still lies in me.. I'm like total bitch-ness when it comes to jealousy. Guys who dated me.. Yea you know I know.
If you don't love someone, just end the damn relationship, don't cheat on them.
Yea, and this is when I wish to confess and clear the doubt of whoever has been bugging me with this question since that year. I'm hereby gonna divulge that YES, I lost my virginity to that guy. It took me ages to come to this decision on disclosing this. As you guys know how sensitive this could be, considering every single repercussion I've to face upon admitting it..
I'm aware that a girl's reputation/image especially at my age, is like DAMN FUCKING HELL important. But, I'm really tired of listening to all the bullshit stories my haters fabricated. And I'm also conscious about how people's impressions towards me might change drastically... Whatever laaaa, so, I'm obviously prepared to hear the worst of people's insults or comments. Before you judge, let me elaborate on what exactly happened...
Like I mentioned previously, I really had a strong affection towards him, and I felt really insecure about our relationship so I was naive enough to think that this would prolly sustain his love for me. Well, ostensibly I was wrong about having that thought... As we only lasted for six months. Yes, honestly I did regret it terribly. And no, it's not entirely his fault, I admit I had a choice at that time.
Side note: I didn't freakin set him up, like how some smartass-wannabes rumoured about.
After we broke up, I took about a year and a half to get over this guy completely. I wouldn't deny, many others came in and out of my life which I thought I could replace him with and yes, I did hurt some of them realizing I couldn't forgo the past. But at the same time, I suffered pretty badly as well.
I had another 5 official relationships after him, and 3 were as bad, they weren't serious with me nor did their feelings endured any longer. Whereas, I let the other initial two down similarly due to my unforgettable past. *Sigh, karma perhaps.*
Don't you wish life was like iTunes? You can shuffle when you can't make up your mind. Pause, delete, stop, rewind & forward whenever you like?
That wasn't the end, last year that particular guy attempted so many times, to get back into my life. I swear, I hated him to the core as he left me over and over again each time he had me falling back for him. And every single time, the hurt was even deeper. Ha, I still remembered I was even accused for sabotaging his relationship with another girl during that time, which he was with for more than a year. I felt so sorry for her aftermath when she knew about it. After so long, I don't see why I should continue upholding this damn guilt for him anymore.
This incident always made me felt like a third-party, which LIKE HELLO, I DIDN'T even know they were together. I was also kept in the dark until I went to confront that girl myself. (Ignore this part if you don't get a shit.)
It doesn't matter whether I've moved on already or not. When I saw someone I once loved with someone else, I naturally feel the pinch.
Right, up till this point if any of you still hate me to your deepest extent and insist that I'm lying, I'm a filthy whore or I'm a fucked up bitch so be it. I've already said the worst, think of it, it's really pointless for me to hide anything else, isn't it? I'm not trying to get you all to buy my story, but it's up to you to determine whether I'm being truthful about whatever I've mentioned or not.
Many people actually detests me cos they think that I'm guy-crazy or in other words, desperate for guys. But NO, that has never been the case. I just wanted a guy I could rely on. Seriously, on the surface everyone "envies" or think how fortunate I am to have so many friends ONLINE, but to be honest, I don't think I have a single friend that I could depend on.
In fact, most of the time I'm on my own. Really. I broke down so many times, my fingers and toes could barely count them all... I questioned myself, reflected on what I've done wrong. Am I really not worth mixing with? Sometimes I really wish I've never existed, and I know all my haters would long for that day. *POP CHAMPAGNE, SET FIREWORKS.*
I'm afraid of being afraid to lose someone. Because that's when I know I'm starting to get attached.
Yes, when I was younger, I LOVED attention, I backstabbed people, I gossiped, I lied and everything bad you could ever think of. But I changed. I mean after all, these are usually what most girls tend to do when they're still immature right? Having that minset that it doesn't really matter as long as you feel shiok about bitching behind people's backs.
Yes, of course I still seek attention and stuff. But I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything despicable to hurt any of my friends. I'm a really complicated person with a complex life, I'm extremely emotional, and over-sensitive due to all the shit I've encountered and accumulating all the agony each time I hit rock bottom. Hence, people who knows only bits of my story always fail to understand me.
I'm cognizant that it's a really tough task to be my friend and boyfriend, as I'm always allowing my emotions to take control of me... Sigh. It sucks.
The funny thing about most girls, they gossip about each other, tell tales around, backstab and stuff, but can end up as best friends.
And that's the reason why I chose to write this entry today, to allow every single one of you reading, to at least comprehend a little of my tragic story. No, I'm definitely not trying to gain sympathy here. I just want my haters to make their judgement after listening to my part. I've been trying to please every single person in my life and I'm sick and tired of it. I must say, I tend to get easily affected by people's opinions towards me and that's why I always try my best to oblige to whatever people ask from me.
I can't possibly go to every single person to explain myself, so hopefully may this post allow most of you to see the vulnerable side of me. Yes, the truth's out. You guys can take sides now. I'm done, and yea I hope this is a closure. I think I've said enough, don't wanna strain your eyes too much. He he.
My life isn't as great as what you guys think, nor is worse than any of the less fortunates. I still count myself as one of the lucky ones and I appreciate myself for who I am. And deep down my heart I know that I've my awesome friends, lovely family and a really supportive bf. ♥ So after all, it doesn't really matter much if this is gonna ruin my image severely or whatsoever.
Love you all; Be it my friends or my dear haters. Peace xo
& I'm sorry if I ever hurt anyone throughout my entire life.
I sincerely seek for your forgiveness.
Miao's Bday @ Marina Barage!!!
Our positions are like awesome much.
Woah, yours truly, Mao's artwork.
Trip to Phuket in June. :)
Extraordinary fat in this pix, sigh I need to go on a diet man :(
Love my bbg supa dupa much. :)
Stupid nick face like monkey. LOL. National day celebrations~~
Supa yummy nomnoms!
God damn ultra fattening stuff. TT
Her hand like pasar malam the display hor. HAHA
OUTFIT FOR TODAY!! Aug 20th. Out to the city~
Heh, doesn't he look so exceptionally k3wt here?!