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Dear 56847,
Wednesday, May 15, 2013 | 2:54 AM | 2 comments


The fact about you. You're a cock-headed moron, you're annoying, childish, gay and insensible. I can't believe we've stayed together for more than half a year now. It's kind of an embarrassment just having the thought of it, sweep across my mind.

Above it all, you suck at trying to understand me, you're always hoping to help but gets it all screwed up in the end. And lastly, I guess shall award you the champion for being the "24/7, 365 Most Sensitive Freak."

But... You know, I wished I hadn't gotten so worked up, because it actually shows how much I care. I wanted to be cool with it and go like "Yea, whatever I don't really give a damn." However, before I knew it I was already blabbering and showing all signs that I do, indeed bother.

Unlike any other ordinary day, I woke up feeling really empty today. You've always been there for me, always. No matter how much I've pushed you away, no matter how nasty and uncouth I was, you've never left me.
Sometimes you make me happy, sometimes you make me sad. Some days you make me angry, next moment you make me love you so bad. You're someone who I hate, yet love so much at the same time. It's confusing whether I want or need you in my life at times.

After falling deep and hard once, 4 years ago... I've never dared to tear those walls down for someone new again. Call me a pussy, but sometimes it just takes that one person to hurt you so bad and there goes all your faith towards a good relationship.

But you've changed me.

I've known you for 2 years... That's not exactly a really long period of time, if you were to compare it to the ratio of my age. We definitely had way more downs than ups, but it's funny how the bad memories are the ones that confuse me.

Some say that bad experiences are just part and parcel of a relationship, and going through these obstacles together will probably help to strengthen the relationship gradually... However, have you realized that these encounters are also the reasons behind our agonising pain?

If I actually decide to write a book about the both of us, it'll definitely be the most heart-rending story ever. Maybe not.

Bitter-sweet memories; they are the ones that kill you after a breakup, not exactly the person. Without those memories, breakups will probably be a less painful experience. It's because of all the recollections that actually evoke the feelings you once had or still have, which also contributes to the dilemma of "Should I move on, or should I not?"

You know how they say you can only fall in love once in your entire life? I really wonder if the one I had 4 years ago or now is the right one... Or have I not met the right one yet? Too young to be in love? Yes, that's what most of them would say, but how true can that be?

I mean, there will be a point of time where you'd meet your soul mate despite your age right? Who said that you've to be at least "this" age to be eligible to be in love? When you love, you love. It's only when you fall in love, where you know how true it can be.

I'm not too certain if this is the guy that I wanna stay with for the rest of my life, I'm not too sure if he's the right one for me, but all I know now is that it really tears me apart to realize how I've to start finding someone new over again if this was just a beautiful mistake.

I don't want to.

I've been trying and searching for so long, to find the right one over 2 years... I fell uncountable times in between and I know how it feels to hurt that bad... I didn't want to feel how I felt again.

I've stopped searching and that's when you walked in.

For the first time in my life, after 7 torturous months for you, I thought I could finally give it a try again. I thought it's time I gave you and myself a chance and then god has to put us through so many tests. And now? I'm back alone again.

I've been feeling lonely as fuck for almost half of my sec school life. It was you who made me feel belonged, it was you who made me feel like I had someone to rely and fall back on even if the whole world decides to turn their backs against me, it was you who made me realize that maybe not all guys are douche bags and good guys actually exist.

But it's all different now. All we needed was that split second to cause a huge difference to our lives, to make us realize that sometimes things are just not meant to be.

No more morning texts, no more wordy goodnight texts, no more long phone calls, no more debates on who should hang up the phone first, no more fights on who loves the other party more.

I don't want to start all over again. I hate the process of learning to trust someone new, I hate how every time you think you know someone, they surprise you. And no I'm not going to allow myself to go through that same old shit once more.

Got slapped in the face by reality; It took me this blow for me to come to my senses on how much I actually want you in my life.

I have completely no idea how I'm gonna persuade you into returning if your intention was to leave from the start, but I'll try.

I know how people will come in and out of your life; some choose to leave and some choose to stay. But if I was given the chance to choose one person to remain in my life, that'd be you.

I don't know what's the point of writing all these here, but I know I've hardly talked about my love life publicly before, so hopefully this will let you know that I'm really sincere when I say that you play an important role in my life. Every single word I've said here is from the bottom of my heart.

This may be a post that I'd look back on in a few years time and come to a realization that I'm just lame and naive, but I'm pretty sure that's how I feel at this moment, right now. 

I know how everyone will start questioning and like I've always mentioned, most people are just curious, they don't actually bother as much as they claim to care, but I couldn't give two hoots about it. Judge for all you want, but this is my life and I don't need anyone to have a say in what I wish to do about it.

Everyone's gonna tell the both of us what's right and what's wrong. Everyone's gonna tell us that we should move on and start afresh again. Everyone's gonna tell us that we're still young and we shouldn't just give up this easily.

But I'm telling you that I'd be waiting and I'm really certain of what I want even if everyone begs to differ and I mean what I've said.

Don't wait till it's all gone before you snap out of it and realize it's too late to salvage anything. Yes, people will fight for you, but they won't fight forever if you keep shutting them out. Sometimes you just have to learn to put down your pride and ego for someone you love more than yourself. 

Cherish.