Everybody hurts

Recollections. (Moving on.)

Sunday, December 30, 2012 | 12:34 AM | 9 comments

I once felt like I've lost myself. Someone posted a question to me a few weeks back, "Can you remember when's the last time you were being your true self, and was genuinely happy?" I replied, "Not that I remember of."

Call me fake, and sometimes I agree too, bcos I feel like I've been hiding who I really am for quite some time. Folded under pressure, I'm so afraid of everyone's opinion towards me being myself.

It's really easy to lose yourself especially when everyone has something to say about everything you do.

I can't resist this crazy urge I'm having right now, to write about my recollections this year.

I don't know what's with all these sudden, overwhelming flashbacks that are keeping me wide awake at such hour but for one thing I know, I have to get this out of my chest.

This is prolly gonna bore a lot of you out, but I just thought there may be that minority who would be keen in reading this... Whatever it is, someday this post will be able to bring me the nostalgia when I chance upon this again.

Looking back, I haven't really been well liked by my peers since I was in Primary school. Particularly the girls. I have no idea why, but there's always this weird tension with almost every girl I met.

Somehow, this is the reason why besides finding it hard to find a good boyfriend, I've always found it extra tough to find a best friend.

Well, as I grew older I started to realize that it didn't really matter after all. Expectations will always lead to disappointments and I've learned that through the toughest way.

This year was a total breakthrough. I know I've mentioned this a million times, but I'm also aware I've never really went in depth about what I meant as well...

You know how much I detested school? I really did. For a period of time. I felt like besides dreading to do my work, one of the shittiest thing I had to put up with is "faking it."

What do I mean by faking it? Pretending to be fine. I bet most of you felt this before. It feels like you're suffocating from the lies that you tell yourself. That everything will be fine, that things will be better. It's hard to keep up with this masquerade.

I always feel that I'm really unlikeable. I won't deny I'm a very sensitive person and sometimes I get paranoid if everyone secretly hates me.

I don't know why are some people called friends when whenever something screws up, they start to take sides immediately without even knowing what's the truth behind everything.

Well personally when I encounter such situations, my first approach will be to try my best to salvage every friendship I could. Not bcos I need those friends, but bcos I want them. I still want them in my life. But after all these failed attempts I guess I lost it.

Why should I bother explaining if their motive wasn't even to hear me out, if all they wanted was to shut me out?

I'm very easily misunderstood for the things I say or do, prolly bcos I'm not that good at expressing myself, somehow my good intentions always turn bad.

Everyone assumes I lead a perf life...

Besides being in a pretty well-to-do family, I've the best parents in the world who dotes me and showers me with a whole heap of love...

But does that concludes the end of my life? Apparently no.

I've other things to deal with like any ordinary teen. Breakups, betrayals, insecurities, drama and more drama.

But I felt like I've changed. Even if it isn't significant enough for the majority of you to see it, I can feel it myself.

And it's a good change. I've learned how to let go of a lot of things I didn't want to.

You know, when you've something you're fearful of, you either use it to strengthen yourself or use it against yourself. Unfortunately, I wasn't that good at self control.

I used to fear a lot of things, I refused to step out of my comfort zone to make a change to my life. But it's only when I started to embrace my fears, I begin to counter all these problems.

This year, no doubt... It's a really hectic year for me. In fact, there wasn't a day that I remembered of, from the age of 13 until today, I could proudly say that life's good.

I enjoyed it though. I enjoyed all the experiences I've gained which built me into who I am today. Life is full of ups and downs isn't it? What's the thrill if you're gonna be happy everyday?

Moreover, I guess YOU are the only one who can determine how you want your day to be.

I was devastated, I was mad, I felt hurt, I felt like having to live another day would be such a pain in the ass.

But guess what? I'm so over it. I'm moving on. I've lost a bunch of friends, but I'm not gonna continue brooding over them anymore.

I still think about them, but I guess I'll never want someone who walked out on me at my lowest, back in my life again.

And you should too.

Despite everything, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all those who stood by me until today. I love you all :) Especially my friends.

Some pictures from the start of this year until now. I'll be flying off soon, so I'm wishing you guys a happy 2013 in advance!

When you hit rock bottom, some people leave, some people choose to stay and fight it through it all with you.

Sometimes, who you love and care for most, might not be the one who loves and cares for you most.

You may have lost someone, but instead of wasting your time thinking about yesterday, why not channel the energy into making tomorrow a better day?

Till next year peeps! xoxo

P/s - My motto: Do what makes you happy and make sure you don't live with regrets.

Labels: Dear Diary